The Raccoon Family Chronicles
by raccoonqueen
Summary: A story about the world's biggest family, based on the ongoing conversation between me and my friend from YouTube. A Raccoons/Dreamstone/Hanna-Barbera/Happy Tree Friends/Misc. crossover. Rated T for Eric/Eric II's cussing.
1. Theme Song

THE RACCOON FAMILY CHRONICLES

THEME SONG

Here's a story of a lovely lady  
Who met this handsome feline private-eye,  
They happened to see each other, in a theme park--  
He was a really nice guy

So, they dated for only two months  
And married and had five sweet little kids,  
There was one son and four daughters,  
So much they'd fill this screen's grids

Then, this lady met a British gentleman  
Who came all the way from London's fog,  
She married him and bore four more,  
By then she was top dog

It was not until she met a silly raccoon,  
Their happy marriage was more than just a hunch,  
So, together with three spouses and her children,  
That is how they all became the Raccoon Bunch

The Raccoon Bunch, the Raccoon Bunch,  
They all live together as the famous Raccoon Bunch!


	2. PILOT EPISODE: New Neighbors

PILOT EPISODE: New Neighbors

[Our story begins in a pleasant and quiet suburban community on the outskirts of a large city. Along one of the streets stands two huge mansions--one occupied, the other entirely empty. Looking out the window, with her chin in her paws, is the inhabitant of the second house--a beautiful and slender grey-and-white cat with blue eyes. Standing beside her is a familiar golden-furred bear with an orange afro and a yellow 70's-styled suit]

Disco Bear: [concerned] What's the matter, baby cakes?

Rai: [sighing forlornly] I'm bored.

Disco Bear: There's nothing to be bored about in this neighborhood. Take a look around--we've been living around in this area since the day we got hitched, and I'll tell you, it's groovy.

Rai: Not so groovy for you, if you were in my shoes. There's always the same people in the community.

Disco Bear: They're our neighbors.

Rai: [walking away] But they don't want to talk to me. They're always to busy to carry on a conversation about some of my favorite subjects--like music. [Sits down in a chair and sighs again] My one biggest wish was to have someone that I like talking to, a new best friend.

Disco Bear: You can talk to me all you want, honey. I'm all ears.

[From downstairs, a crash is heard]

Voice 1: [of a kid] MOOOOOOOOOM! Josh broke your vase!

Voice 2: [of another kid] I didn't do it! It was just an accident!

Voice 1: Yes, you did!

Voice 2: No, I didn't!

Voice 1: Yes!

Voice 2: No!

Voice 1: Yes!

Voice 2: No!

Voice 1: YES!

Voice 2: NO!

[With a frustrated sigh, Rai goes downstairs to investigate the event. Standing near the pieces of a broken vase were a pair of boys, Josh and Jake]

Rai: [irritated] Joshua, Jacob, cut it out! Didn't I tell you two not to run in the house?

Jake: [pointing to Josh] Well, _he_ started it, Mom.

Josh: [angrily] No, _YOU_ did!

Rai: That's quite enough from both of you. Go straight into the living room and stay there until we get to the bottom of this.

Josh and Jake: [obediently] Yes, Mom...

[As soon as the boys walk away, Rai leans against a wall and heaves a sigh]

Rai: It's been one of those days...

Disco Bear: [from upstairs] Rai? Rai! Come up and look what's outside!

[Rai, hearing her husband's voice, runs back upstairs and looks out of the window again. In the driveway of the house next door to hers, there is a large moving van. Along the street in front of the house, there are three more moving vans, and groups of strong brawny human men come out of them. Rai and Disco Bear watch in amazement as the men start to carry furniture, mirrors, television sets, tables, chairs, and many other kinds of stuff into the house. And while all this is going on, another car comes up, this time a king-sized SUV]

Rai: [excitedly] Just look at all those stuff being hauled in, DB! We must be having new neighbors! I wonder who they might be...

[The door of the car opens, and a small female raccoon walks out onto the sidewalk. Also coming out of the car and standing next to her is a male raccoon, with a bent nose, bent ears, and a large red sweater with a yellow "B" and yellow trims on the sleeves, collar, and bottom waistline]

Wren: [happily] Well, Bert, here we are--our new home.

Bert: [looking up] The realtors were right, Wren. It looks like a pretty fancy kind of place. And in a peaceful neighborhood, too--the kids are going to love it.

[More people come out of the SUV. They look up at the house and smile happily, before proceeding to enter it]

Rai: Who are those two?

Disco Bear: They're a couple of raccoons. The one in the sweater looks familiar--I could've sworn I've seen him a few years ago.

Rai: Yes. And look--I see several kids following behind them.

Sunshine: [excitedly] Whoa! Look at the size of this yard!

Bert II: [nonchalantly] Yeah, and I bet the backyard behind the house is much bigger, too.

Wren: What's wrong with you? Don't you like it?

Bert II: I like it, Mom, but I just don't understand--you took me out of school, just for THIS?

Wren: I didn't take you out of school permanently. I'm just transfering you to another one. You see, the reason for this is that your father got a new job here--the Evergreen Standard moved its quarters all the way down to Los Angeles.

Bert II: I know Dad got a new job. But what's the new school that I'll be going to?

Wren: I hear Kevin Gillis Elementary is the most popular school in this neighborhood.

Bert II: [fearfully] Does it have a principal who kills naughty kids and puts their bones in his soup?

Wren: Yes, it has a principal, Bert II, but not the one you just mentioned. I told you not to stay up late reading those horror and sci-fi comic books.

Bert II: [walking away] Aw, man!

Belinda: [appearing] That sure is a big house, Mommy!

Wren: [walking in with her] Yes, Belinda, it's a _really_ big house. We call it a mansion...

Disco Bear: Those three must be the raccoons' kids.

Rai: I know. But who's that guy over there? He looks like a cat.

Kathy: [on a cell phone] ...and then he was like, "What's wrong with you? I didn't do nothing!" but I said "Who cares? You're just a big airhead!"

Super Snooper: [annoyed] Do you really have to carry on a conversation like that?

Kathy: Hold on... [Turns to Snooper] Dad, it's just that I'm bored. I can't go on a day without talking to my friends on my new cell.

Super Snooper: Well, whatever your reason, hang it up. You're losing track of your minutes.

Kathy: [scoffing] Oh, puh-leese! [Continues talking into the cell phone while walking away] Sorry, that was just my dad giving me a lecture about wasting the minutes on my phone. So, what happened? Really? [Laughs] Oh, my gosh, that's the most bogus thing I've ever heard. No wonder Cameron is so into you. Speaking of crushes, let me tell you about mine...

Super Snooper: [calling out] Morgan! Myrtle! Hannah! Sarah! Come on!

Hannah: We're coming, Daddy!

Rai: The other guy behind them looks like a rabbit or something.

Disco Bear: That's a Noop, Rai. I've been looking up some stuff lately.

Rufus: [trying to pry his son from the door of the van] Now, Bartholomew--

Bartholomew: I DON'T WANNA GO TO THAT SCHOOL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rufus: We're in a new neighborhood, and the staff at your new school are not going to hurt you.

Bartholomew: But Bert II told me that there's a principal who eats kids for dinner!

Rufus: And who would believe such a ridiculous story like that? Now, get out and go into the house.

Elizabeth: Daddy, what are you doing?

Rufus: [struggling] I'm trying--ugh!--to convince your brother--ooh!--to get inside the house.

Elizabeth: Oh...okay!

Rufus: Don't leave yet, dear--the twins are still in the car. Go get Jocelyn and tell her to help you get them inside.

Elizabeth: [cheerily, running off] Will do!

Rai: Awww, look at those kids! They're _SO_ cute!

Disco Bear: You got that right.

Rai: [walking away] I'm going down there to meet them.

Disco Bear: But baby, are you sure it's the right time to do so?

Rai: It is. Follow me--we have a nice housewarming present for them.

[Later that night, when the entire family has settled down, Disco Bear and Rai come up to the door of the new neighbors' house. Rai presses the doorbell, and in an instant Wren opens the door]

Wren: Hey, who is it?

Disco Bear and Rai: [cheerfully] WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Wren: Oh, thank you! You know, me and my family moved into here just moments ago.

Rai: And here's a special housewarming present for you--a diary!

Wren: [taking the gift from her] Gee, thanks a lot. Come on in! [They enter the house] So...are you two new around here? What's your name?

Rai: I'm Rai Mundo, and this is my husband, Disco Bear.

Wren: [amazed] No way! Disco Bear? Of Happy Tree Land?

Rai: [nodding] The one and only.

Wren: That's just plain cool! I used to love him, but now I'm already taken--I have a husband, too.

Rai: What's his name?

Wren: His name is Bert Raccoon from the Evergreen Forest up north. I heard that Disco Bear is your husband. Is it true that you love him the most?

Rai: Oh, yes, yes! I love him so much that we are married! How did you learn this?

Wren: From some of his friends back at home.

Rai: Wow!

Wren: So, what do you and your kids do all day?

Rai: Well, we listen to disco music, and teach our little cubs how to dance, so they only know how to do the bump. Do you have any kids by your husband?

Wren: Yes, we have three children. The first one is our daughter, Sunshine--she's the oldest. The second one is our son, Bert Raccoon II, and the last one is our second daughter named Belinda. Now, let me tell you all about them. Sunshine is just like Bert in so many ways--she loves peanut butter and she's a regular thrill-seeker. Last time, she attempted to do a high jump from flying off the swings, but luckily Bert caught her just in time. Bert Raccoon II, or Bert II, is a very smart boy, and he loves to read books a lot--just like I do! He knows a whole lot of things, like science, for example. Just imagine him as the furry version of Dexter from "Dexter's Laboratory"! Belinda is our third child. Even though she's only two years old, she is very talkative for her age. She loves flowers, daisies being her particular favorite. And plus she loves to dance to any kind of music, especially disco music--maybe you could invite her to play with your kids, so they could dance together! Speaking of which, let's talk about your children. What are their names? Can you tell me about them?

Rai: Trust me, I have over 20 husbands, both human and cartoon, and I have two boys by each one--just don't ask. But I'll tell you about two of my kids. Eric Theodore Cartman II and Mannan. Eic II is kinda like me and Eric combined. He gets his loud voice from his dad, and he is very outgoing like him, but he gets his trends and...

Wren: Oh, the little kid who cusses all the time? I've heard of him. Just so you know, I'm not the kind of person who appreciates foul language. What about your other one?

Rai: Mannan--I call him Man--he is my son from Mime.

Wren: Your other husband's from Happy Tree Land, too?

Rai: That'd right. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah...he can speak very well and he is the youngest out of the kids cause Mime was the last one I fell in love with, and, well, we already had the other one. He loves to play with Handy, who gets kinda mad 'cause Man likes to play hand games and Handy doesn't have hands and he's really funny 'cause he is like "arghhhhh!!!" [Laughs] So, how many husbands do you have?

Wren: I have three husbands. And I had 13 children by them, including the three that I just told you about. The guys over there is my second husband--his name is Rufus. I had five kids by him. My first child by him is named Bartholomew, and like my husband he daydreams a lot, though not that much. The other four kids are Elizabeth, the twins Sunny and Cher, and Jocelyn. and my third husband is Super Snooper--he was my first, and I married him after a whirlwind courtship. We had five kids--Kathy, Morgan, Myrtle, Hannah, and Sarah. You said you have 20 husbands, with two kids by each of them. Do you have a big house like ours, that they all fit inside?

Rai: Oh, of course, we live in this huge mansion right next door to yours, and it has just about enough rooms for everybody!

Wren: Cool! Do you want to stick around for a while and have dinner with us?

Rai: [smiling] I would love to.

[Still later that night, everyone has gone to bed. Bert and Wren are in their bedroom, getting ready to go to sleep]

Wren: [brushing her fur] It looks like we did it, Bert. We moved into Toonsville, enrolled the kids into some new schools, and we met some new friends. Isn't this exciting?

Bert: Yes. It sure is exciting to me, too.

[Wren gets into the bed and snuggles down on her pillow with a happy sigh]

Wren: Ah, I can't wait to see what we will do tomorrow.

Bert: Me, too. Goodnight, Wren. [Kisses her]

Wren: Goodnight, Bert.

[Bert turns off the lamp and goes to sleep. A few seconds later, there is a catfight going on outside. With an annoyed grunt, Bert gets up out of the bed, grabs a boot, and throws it out the window]

Voice: [of Snooper] OUCH! What was that for? It's just me!

Bert: [startled] Oh! Uh, sorry, Snoop. Goodnight, anyway. [Goes back to the bed and continues to sleep]

END OF EPISODE


	3. EPISODE 1: Snooper Breaks A Leg

EPISODE 1: Snooper Breaks A Leg

[It is a nice and sunny afternoon in Toonsville. Two little bluebirds fly down to an old oak tree and perch on one of its branches, singing a cheerful melody. Standing below the tree is Sunshine Raccoon, who is flying her red heart-shaped kite]

Sunshine: It's a realy nice day outside, isn't it, Snooper?

Super Snooper: It sure is. And it's getting pretty windy, too.

Sunshine: Daddy bought me this kite yesterday as a housewarming gift. He knew that a heart was my favorite kind of shape and that I loved it as much as peanut butter, so just after we moved in the house he went to the store, and...and...he bought me the kite.

Super Snooper: It just goes to show that your father wanted you to enjoy one the biggest pleasures in life--living in a fancy mansion like this one.

[The kite continues to float in the sky, until it gets close to the tree and gets stuck in it]

Sunshine: [disappointed] Oh, darn! Now my kite's stuck in a tree! [Turns to Snooper] Snoop, can you get my kite out of the tree for me? Please?

Super Snooper: Sunshine, I wouldn't want to go through THAT again. The last time this incident happened I was--

Sunshine: [insistant] PLEASE?

Super Snooper: [after hesitating for a moment] Oh, all right...all right. But this will be the last time I'm going to help you get it down from there. [Goes over to the tree and, using his claws, starts to climb it feline-style] Which one of the branches did the kite get caught on?

Sunshine: That one!

Super Snooper: Where?

Sunshine: The branch to your right...no, I mean, the left one!

[A yellow school bus comes by. Bert II runs out of it and heads for the house. Inside the house, Wren is in Morgan's bedroom. Her son has just had a cold]

Wren: [putting her paw on his forehead] I never knew a cold could get this worse. You've been suffering for almost a few days now. [Removes it] And about your sore throat...

Morgan: [with a scratchy voice] Will I ever get better again?

Wren: Someday you will, sweetheart. You have to miss your first day of school because of the cold. I don't know when you will get back on track, but we'll see. [Gets up to leave] Now, where did I put that cough medicine?

[She is about to enter the bathroom in the hallway when she bumps into Bert II]

Bert II: [excitedly] Mom! Mom! Guess what? I just got an "A+" for the--

Wren: [clamping a paw over his mouth] KEEP IT DOWN! {Whispers] Your little half-brother's trying to get some rest.

Bert II: Why?

Wren: He has a cold.

Bert II: A cold? How come I didn't have a cold?

Wren: You've been immunized before we entered you into your new school, remember?

Bert II: Oh...I understand. Say, Mom--when I _do_ get a cold, can I stay home all day?

Wren: But--

Bert II: And can I eat ice cream and play video games while I'm sick?

Wren: No, Bert II. I know you're trying to pretend to be sick--I've seen many kids do that same trick before. When you really start having a cold--

Bert: [running in excitedly] Wren! Guess what? I just got a raise! Ralph and Melissa said that I--

Wren: [irritated] Bert! Be quiet!

Bert: What do you mean--[Realizes something] Oh, I know--Morgan's sick.

Wren: I had to take him back home after he threw up in Mrs. Ferguson's class this morning.

Bert: I see. [Continues happily] I know exactly what I'm going to do with all this money--starting tomorrow, I'm going to take the whole family to the movies to see "Hotel for Dogs"!

Wren: [smiling] Wow! That sounds like a really nice movie.

Bert: And I'm sure the kids will love it.

[Suddenly, they heard a loud cry from Snooper outside]

Wren: Uh-oh, what's going on? [They run outside and see Snooper sprawled on the ground next to the tree] Snoop! Are you all right?

Super Snooper: [groaning] Uhhhhhh...I'm fine...I just broke a leg...

Wren: [coming over to Snooper's side] Let me see. [Picks up one of legs] Does this hurt?

Super Snooper: No.

Wren: How about this one? [Picks up the other leg. Snooper yells in pain]

Super Snooper: OW! That's the one! Ouch...

Bert: [to Sunshine] What happened?

Sunshine: Snooper was trying to rescue my kite, Daddy. When he had nearly crawled over to the spot where it was, he slipped off and fell, and broke his leg.

Wren: [with a sigh] Well...I guess that means we should cancel the trip to the movie theaters, until Snooper's leg gets better.

Bert: But I had been planning it since the day we decided to move to Toonsville!

Wren: All right. As soon as he is able to get up tomorrow, then we can go.

Bert: That's good thinking.

Rufus: [running outside] What had happened? Is everything all right?

Bert: Yeah, Rufus. The private-eye cat here just broke his leg.

[Later, at Rai's house next door, Wren and Rai are having a conversation over a cup of tea]

Rai: So, how did your day go?

Wren: It was great...at least for a while. I stayed home, because Morgan just caught a cold. And Snoop broke his leg from falling out of a tree, when he was trying to rescue Sunshine's kite, which had been caught onto that same tree. But through all that, I received spectacular news. Rufus got a new job--now he is working as a car salesman. Bert II got an "A+" in elementary school, and Bert earned enough money from working as the editor of the Evergreen Standard--with branches in Los Angeles--so now he's going to take all of us to the movies to see "Hotel for Dogs", but not until Snooper's leg gets better enough for him to walk again. How have things been going on with you and your family? Did anything new happen today?

Rai: My family is doing good. Most of my sons went on a trip to Asia to learn how to make rice cakes, and Eric Cartman II and Man are in Africa to find some friends...nothing new, just the same life with the house to myself, 'cause my husbands are gone on a camping trip....well, just me and some of my friends are having a girls' night out, 'cause if you were the only girl in the house I think you would want a house to yourself.

Wren: That's wonderful. Maybe next week, I'm going to send some of my kids on a trip to Asia. Sunshine wanted to learn how to speak Japanese, that's all. Oh, and I hope Eric II and Man have a good time in Africa finding some new friends. And I also hope your husbands enjoy the camping trip--when they come back, you can tell me what they did there. And of course, I hope you do enjoy your outing with your friends, too. [Takes a sip out of her cup before putting it back down] I'm very interested in knowing about your favorite husband, Disco Bear. When did the two of you meet each other, and how?

Rai: Well, I was in the grocery store, and I bumped into him. We started talking and he asked me out on a date. This was about two months ago, but as soon as I saw him we instantly connected and we got married the next month. How about you and Bert?

Wren: I remember our courtship and marriage very well. You see, it all started about a year ago, when I was at my friend's birthday party in Los Angeles. I was walking around, mingling with the guests, until I found a plate on a table, with the last peanut butter cookie on it. I was about to grab it and eat it, but a black furry paw snatched it away before I could even get to the cookie. I looked up, and there he was...Bert Raccoon, one of the guests at the party, munching on that last cookie. He introduced himself to me, and we had a little talk. Soon, the party was over--we was preparing to go home. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough money for a taxi, so Bert offered to walk me to my house. And just as soon as we got there, we said "goodbye" to each other, and--to my surprise and delight--we shared our first kiss! That was the moment when we started falling in love.

Rai: Wow...

Wren: We dated each other for about three weeks, and then on the day before Valentine's Day, he came to my house with a bouquet of roses. I thanked him for the beautiful floral gift, but then he gave me another gift that I swore I would never forget--he got down on one knee and showed me a little black box that had a diamond ring in it. Then, he proposed to me. We got married the very next day. So, this month, Bert and I are going to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. Do you want me to tell you about how I met my very first husband, Super Snooper? And how I met Rufus, too? [Rai stays silent] Well, I'll take that as a "yes". Now, where was I? Oh, yeah...I met Snooper at Knott's Berry Farm. One of my favorite memories was of him getting wet during a rafter ride--and he looked SO cute with his fur all wet! [Laughs] We were married after two months of dating. And I met Rufus while I was on vacation in London, England--we got married just one month after our meeting, and he came all the way to the United States to live with me. So, what do you think?

Rai: I liked the one with Bert better.

Wren: That's okay. Are you planning anything special for your family some time in the future, once they come back? Bert and I are going to take our family over to the movie theater tomorrow.

Rai: Yeah. We are going on a month-long cruise in the summer, but we are going to get a puppy for everyone in our home or just the kids.

Wren: [enthusiastically] Really? That sounds great. I'm planning a family trip for a month-long cruise in the summer, too--maybe we might see each other and we'll have a good time while my kids play with your kids. Sounds like a fun idea, huh?

Rai: Maybe we can be best friends!

Wren: And we'll be neighbors, too! [Gets up to leave] Well, I gotta go settle down for the night. I'll talk to you tomorrow, when we get back from the movie theater, and I'll tell you all about it. Goodnight.

Rai: Goodnight.

[Wren starts to leave the house, but stops]

Wren: Oh, wait! Before I go lay myself down, I want to ask you something. When is little Man's birthday? I would like to give him a present.

Rai: His birthday's March 7th. Thanks--he'll enjoy it.

Wren: Thank you--I won't forget. Anyway, goodnight--I'll talk to you tomorrow. Oh! You've told me that Man's birthday is March 7. Maybe tomorrow I'll list the birthdays of my husbands and my children, so on those dates you'd give them presents. See ya!

Rai: Okay, thanks.

Wren: All right, goodbye. And don't forget to list the birthdays of your husbands and your children, too!

Rai: All right, I won't!

[Wren leaves Rai's house and goes back to her own house. When she arrives at the door, she turns to look at the fence and sighs contentedly]

Wren: I think this may be the first time since Snooper's accident that the cats won't be singing on top of that fence... [Opens the door, comes in, and closes it shut]

END OF EPISODE


	4. EPISODE 2: A Day At The Movies

EPISODE 2: A Day At The Movies

[It is a beautiful and crisp clear morning in Toonsville. In Bert and Wren's bedroom, the alarm clock rings loudly and Bert hits it with his fist]

Bert: [After looking at the clock] 8:30 A.M in the morning. [Goes over to the window and looks outside. He takes a deep breath and smiles happily] A picture-perfect morning. And today's the day we go to the movie theater! But I gotta get everybody ready first... [Goes back to the bed and gets out a steel pan and ladle from under it. Then, he starts banging on the pan and marching around cheerfully, startling Wren from her sleep]

Wren: BERT! What was THAT for?

Bert: It's 8:30, Wren. We're gonna go to the movies today!

Wren: [yawning] At this time of day? We didn't get to have any breakfast yet...

Bert: Oh. I'm sorry. But... [Continues cheerily] Let's have breakfast right now and then we'll get out at nine. The movie starts at 9:45.

[Later, after eating a quick breakfast, the whole family goes to the movie theater in the city. At the entrance, Bert asks for tickets to see "Hotel for Dogs"]

Clerk: Sorry, but the movie's been sold out.

Bert: [astonished] Sold out?

Clerk: Yep. It's been ou on DVD very recently, so of course it's sold out. It won't play in this theater any more.

Super Snooper: [angrily, to Bert] We woke up, got dressed, and came to the theater...for _THIS_?!

Bert: Hey, don't blame me, blame the inaccurate showtimes!

Rufus: I see "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" is on. Shall we go see that?

Hannah: [looking up and smiling happily] How about that one?

Wren: Hmmm..."Monsters Vs. Aliens"?

Clerk: It's a 3-D movie. The tickets cost about 3.00 for each person--and, you'll also need some 3-D glasses.

Bert II: [excitedly] 3-D glasses! That's so cool! Oh, Dad, can we go now? Can we? Can we?

Bert: [sighing] Well, if you say so...

[After Bert buys the tickets, the kids rush in, with Rufus and Snooper following behind. Wren puts her paw on Bert's shoulder]

Wren: [calmly] Hey, you don't need to be that angry all the time. Sometimes even good days are like this.

[Later, outside Rai's house]

Wren: [giving her a piece of paper] Here's the list of birthdays of my entire family.

Bert Raccoon: April 1st  
Rufus: March 23rd  
Super Snooper: June 8

Rai: These are your husbands' birthdays?

Wren: [nodding] Yep. And here are the birthdays of the kids, along with the ages that they will be on those dates.

Sunshine: February 21 (she will turn 12 years old)  
Bert II: March 18 (10)  
Belinda: May 6 (3)  
Bartholomew ("Bart"): July 29 (9)  
Elizabeth: June 16 (5)  
Sunny and Cher (twins): April 10 (1)  
Jocelyn: August 15 (3)  
Kathy: May 25 (13)  
Morgan: June 14 (7)  
Myrtle: July 12 (5)  
Hannah: September 7 (4)  
Sarah: November 20 (2)

Rai: Wow!

Wren: Impressive, huh?

Rai: It is.

Wren: Can you send me a list of the birthdays of your husbands and kids, besides Man's?

Rai: [giving her another piece of paper] Here.

Man- 4  
Eric Cartman ll- 5  
Shawn-7  
Josh-8  
Jake-8  
Joesph-9  
Mike-5  
Micheal-8  
Spongy-3  
Spongebob II-3  
Dicso-4  
Disco Bear II-4

Wren: Those are your kids' ages, but I don't see any birthdays.

Rai: I'm sorry. Oh, and here are my husbands' birthdays, too--I can only think of ages for them.

Spongebob-unknown  
Eric Cartman-9  
Disco Bear-37  
Mime-19  
Handy-20  
Nutty-26

Wren: And hey, is that...Milo?

Rai: Yes. I divorced him a few months ago.

Wren: But don't you know any of your husbands' birthdays?

Rai: Sorry. I have so many that I couldn't remember their birthdays at all.

Wren: Well, that's all right. I already know little Man's birthday, so it's always convenient to me. And I know all of my husbands' and children's birthdays, too, and I gave you a list so you will remember them. I only showed the ages of the kids, not the spouses--I just don't know how old my husbands are, either. Anyway, we had a good time. And guess what? I received an E-mail from Rufus' old friend, Amberley, in England. She says she's gonna come over to visit us next week. Trust me, the kids _love_ a visit from their dear "Aunt Amberley", and she loves to play with them and give them presents. She always comes to visit our house only once a year. Is there anything special that happened today at your home?

Rai: My husband Disco Bear took me ice-skating...we had so much fun. Then Milo took me out to shoot dummies--it was quite fun! How have you been?

Wren: It was a pretty exciting day, really. After we had left the movie theater and just before we went home, we ate at McDonald's. Then, Snooper took me over to the library, where we read a lot of mystery novels--he checked out some of the books he liked. And then, Bert and I ate out at a fancy restaurant while Snooper and Rufus tended to the kids--we were home before 6:30. By the way, can I ask you something? I really liked the story about how you and Disco Bear met each other. I'm a little curious about Handy--you know, the little beaver with no hands. How did you first meet him?

Rai: We first met each other because I wanted some construction work done to my little house. So, they sent Handy. When he was done he and was about to leave, he forgot something. And when he came back he tripped and fell on me. He looked up, I looked down, and it was love at first sight. We went out on our first date and we were ready for a serious relatonship. So, after we had our first kid, we got married--then we had another kid who sadly died when he was in the womb because the cord choked him. [Sighs sadly] I wish he was alive, but at least the other one was too young to understand...

Wren: Oh, that's so sad, but at least you had a happy ending. Now, what about your other husband, Nutty? How did you meet him? After that, I'll tell you about how I met my other two husbands, Rufus and Snooper--I only gave you a brief description of my relationships with them yesterday.

Rai: I met him at a candy conivence store. I went to his little show thing and he was talking, but that was before he went cukcoo for candy. He looked at me and I looked at him--he asked me out on a date, and I didn't hesitate at all. We went to this candy shop, where we did the "Lady and the Tramp" scene with licorce. And evrything went well and we got married about 2 months after that. Now tell me how you met them now.

Wren: I'll tell you about Snooper first. I met him in Knotts Berry Farm, when I was going there with my friends. I was in Ghost Town, a section of the theme park, and I was wandering around in Calico Square, where a dance was taking place. I was scared--I didn't even know _how_ to dance! Just then, I heard some barking, and I turned around to see a large bulldog chasing a brown cat wearing a white trenchcoat with a light-green plaid deerstalker cap. The cat hid behind me for protection, since he couldn't find something to climb up on to get away from the dog, and I simply shooed the bulldog away by taking out a dog biscuit and throwing it far away. Then, as soon as the dog was gone, I asked the cat why the dog was chasing him. He said, "I don't know. But he was awfully angry when I accidentally spilled soda on that little kid of his." The cheerful square dance music then shifted into an 80s love song--I couldn't recall what it was--it was most probably "True"--and the cat asked me if I could dance with him. I told him I wasn't a very good dancer, but then we had to do so anyway. While we were dancing, I asked him who he was, and he told me his name was Super Snooper--"The World's Greatest Private-Eye". I introduced myself to him, and soon we started falling in love. We started dating for about two months, and then we got married one month after that. And now, about Rufus. I met him while I was vacationing in London. I was in Regent's Park when I bumped into someone. I looked up and saw that person, and he was holding a dogfish by the leash--get it, dog-fish? A fish that acts like a dog? [Laughs] We sat on a bench and talked for a while, and he told me his name was Rufus. We started dating for three weeks, and we got married the very next month. So, how many kids did you have by Handy and Nutty, and what are their names? Can you tell me about them? After that, I'll tell you about the children I had by Rufus and Snooper.

Rai: I don't want to talk about it. I hope I didn't offend you like this.

Wren: Well, it's all right. I'll tell you about my kids by Rufus and Snooper. I'll tell you about Snooper's first. But just to make it short, I'll tell you about Kathy. Her full name is Katherine Ann Snooper, and she is 12 years old. She looks a lot like her father, and even speaks like him, too, but she gets her feisty personality from me. She LOVES anything from the 80s--music, TV shows, movies, fads, catchphrases, you name it. And she likes to wear her favorite pair of blue jeans with a white lace bow on her head, black leather fingerless gloves, and a white T-shirt with the words "Frankie Says Relax" on it--"Frankie", by the way, is "Frankie Goes to Hollywood", a British pop group.

Rai: Oh, that's cool. Just tell her I said "hi".

Wren: I will. And now I'll tell you about Rufus' kids. Bartholomew--"Bart" for short--is my first son by him. He's 8 years old. He looks like his father, but he has black hair like mine. And he has brown eyes, like mine. And, of course, he daydreams, just like his dad, although not that very much as he tries to concentrate on his schoolwork. Elizabeth is our second child--Rufus named her after Queen Elizabeth II. She is four years old, and she loves to draw. And she loves to paint, too. Jocelyn is our second daughter, and she is 2 years old. She loves animals--she wants a puppy for her birthday. Sunny and Cher are identical twin girls. They both look like me, but they have Rufus' eyes. They love to play a lot--I only had to keep them from crawling out of their cribs! I was pregnant with our sixth child several months ago, once, but I had a miscarriage after I tripped and fell down the stairs.

Rai: [gasping in horror) Oh, that's not good. How did you feel?

Wren: I was feeling dazed and I was in pain. Plus, I nearly broke my neck. But then, Rufus called the paramedics and they picked me up. I had to stay in the hospital for six weeks, but it will be another long three months before I could be able to have another child again. So, anyway, I had just recovered from that horrible ordeal. Did you have a similar experience, something probably more worse than mine?

Rai: Yes. This is a real story--I was riding my cousin's bike the other day. Then I saw a van and hit the brakes really hard, and I was going really fast 'cause I saw a van. Then I went flying and hit the street really hard, 'cause my arm was sprung, yet for some strange reason it didn't hurt. So I went to the hospital and had to stay in there for 2 days--I couldn't even go to the gym for a month. But now I feel better.

Wren: Ouch... that definitely had to hurt.

Rufus: [from far-off] Wren!

Wren: Hold on...yes, Rufus?

Rufus: Can you do me just one favor?

Wren: What is it?

Rufus: Can you help me find the toolbox? I have to build a new doghouse for Albert.

Wren: Okay, I'll be there in a second!

Rai: Did he say something about that dogfish?

Wren: Yes. Albert's our family pet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go home to help Rufus find his toolbox. I'll see you tomorrow. [Gets up to leave]

Rai: All right. Have fun!

END OF EPISODE


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